I’ve struggled for nearly a year; struggled to regain any form of structure and consistency. Struggled to ‘get through’ another season of physical and emotional exhaustion. Struggled to break old patterns and build new roads. Struggled to make connections deeper than a thimble. Struggled to commit to the things which bring me joy. But most of all, I have struggled to love and forgive the one person who needs it most – Myself!
Forgiveness for continually failing to meet my deep seeded expectations. Forgiveness for not being strong enough. For lacking the drive and focus to fight ‘the good fight.’ Forgiveness for every meltdown created by unique neurological patterns, unwelcome trauma, and and a history of violence and rage. Forgiveness for being a sensitive soul born into a dark, lonely abyss. Forgiveness for slamming into walls and burning out. Forgiveness for showing weakness, sadness, and an overabundance of ‘the feels.’ Forgiveness for never quite fitting, and forever seeking. But most of all, forgiveness for the anger, resentment, and bitterness I feel for Myself!
How do you break old patterns? How do you create new ones? Consistently? How do you know where you’re going if you don’t understand where you’ve been? How do you know who you are, if you’ve never stopped to meet yourself? Your ‘real’ self – not the mask – not the mirror, but the raw, unadulterated, unfiltered version of You. How do you allow yourself to be free of it all? The reflections. The layers of disguise. The lifetime of never seeing yourself outside the realm of other’s needs and expectations. How do you unlock the prison doors of disappointment and loneliness? How do you release hopelessness and helplessness in the face of ridicule and judgment?
Behind the Veil
The truth is, I have no clue, but I’m going to give it a shot. I’m desperate to free myself of all that consumes me. I’m desperate to release it all, but simple journaling just won’t do. One sided conversations are lost on me. The truth is I sit and I try to write and I’m continually hitting walls. Wall after wall I slam into, full stop, and disperse with whatever free flow was gifted to me in that moment. Walls of pain, exhaustion, and confusion. Walls I had no part building, no sir, my walls have their own issues. How do I fight the fatigue? How do I bust down the walls? How do I keep from sinking deep into the abyss of total burnout? How do I find my way back? How do I accept where I’m at?
I’ve struggled with the urge to write a little every day – sharing for myself but more in the hope I can connect with others. My nature demands periods of isolation and disconnect, but circumstance create loneliness, and loneliness leads to despair. Long gone are the days of connecting with others through common passions, no matter how trivial. Long gone are the days of venting to the one friend in my life or my Mom. Long gone is the tiniest bit of balance I had in allowing myself to feel and release when needed.
Buried in shame and disgust, I find myself suppressing my true nature more and more. Moments of weakness and exhaustion have lifted the veil for many to see the darkness trapped within me. A veil that protected me from ridicule, scorn, and pity. I see things in their eyes I never wanted to see. I feel it in my soul, the pain I’ve inflicted unwantedly and unwilling – a hostage to the mess in my head. Only now do I see the chaos my brain creates. Only now do I feel the energy shift when emotions become unbearable. Moments of glitches and malfunctions setting off fireworks in my mind and body. Shooting the starter pistol of my fight-or-flight response.
I find myself hiding more and more, in a desperate attempt to spare myself and others of any further pain or anguish. Consumed in questions with no answers, problems with no solutions, illnesses with no cure, and far too many beginnings without end. I also find myself acutely aware of my inability to fully call it quits. I recognize that my continual seeking and beginning shows a great strength in that I never truly quit. Yet I find myself nauseated by the idea that I am a warrior. The expectation of it all, of people seeing me as this pillar of strength and fortitude, weighs far too heavy on me these days. I want no part of it!
I want to release myself of all expectation; from others and myself. I want to release myself of all worldly expectation, of all ideas of conflict and comparison. I want to free myself of the idea that forty-five looks and lives a certain way. I want to free myself of the notion that I owe anybody anything. I want to love freely and share deeply. I want to connect with the wallflowers, outcasts and rejects. I want to spend time with those who don’t quite fit, but have oh-so much to share. I want to connect with those who struggle all day every day. Those who fight the good fight in silence most days. Those who are exhausted and simply want to exhale.
I want to be free of it all! Dancing on the beach in long skirts and comfy tees – breathing in the ocean air – take pause.
February 17, 2019 8:13 a.m.