You’re there, in my every breath and desire – lingering, waiting, and watching. I saw you there, tiptoeing the perimeter of it all, my life, and my world. Hiding like a predator in the darkest depths of consciousness. Someone should have warned me about you.

I never saw it happen – I wasn’t prepared. I saw you in the eyes of others. I felt you as you brushed softly against me in my most vulnerable moments. I heard you in the guttural growl of wounded souls. I thought I could avoid you, outrun you, ESCAPE you, and yet here we are.

We were never meant to be friends. How did this happen? The truth is, you crept into my life before I was born. A silent promise my parents made naively – an unconscious agreement, a dark promise of a life never quite my own. Betrothed!

You were always there, growing in every moment of struggle. An opportunistic parasite, slowly, carefully stripping me of strength and independence. Leaving me a permanent prisoner to your presence, a forever passenger on a road trip I never signed up for.

Where do you go when God grants me the gift of reprieve, the welcome, healing moments of theta waves and soul-cleansing rivers of silence. Where do you hide? Why do you tease me with the promise of this all coming to an end? Why do you hide at all?

I feel you there as I open my eyes in the darkest of hours. You overwhelm me with the exhaustive energy of your willfulness. You leave me in tears day after day, and yet you leave me with small moments of hope. Moments of glorious beauty under the purifying waters of escape – the sweet release of all-consuming thoughts and viral energies. I immerse myself in the healing energies of it all, forever hoping I can wash you away for good, and yet here we are.

*** This feels unfinished, but it was in my heart to share ***