The constant undercurrent of sadness is beginning to wear on me. Sadness, not depression. I know depression, and I know sadness, this is definitely the latter. I feel it when I check Facebook in the morning, only to be inundated with the dark twisted ‘truth’ of it all. Their truth, not mine – mass media continuously creating chaos and confusion. Happily slicing divides anywhere they see a crack in humanity.
I feel it when I think of innocent lives lost – in any manner and for any reason. I feel it when hate and disgust are spewed without pause or thought of innocence lost. I feel it when I think of the decisions parents, children, and teachers alike must face these days. I feel it when I consider a future for my grandchildren.
I feel it when I watch as the man I love mindfully destroys himself with food and soda. I feel it when I check his ‘sugar’ readings for the past four months. I feel it when I realize every moment of begging falls on deaf ears. I feel it when I look at my elderly and senile dogs – two sweet short timers I can’t imagine living without. I feel it when I feel the pain, my husbands and my own. I read it in his face and witness it in his body. He never complains but I know. I feel it when it’s clear my body is and will continue to slowly deteriorate. I feel it when I realize ‘slowly’ in my world is ‘rapidly’ in most. I feel it when thinking of finances and how we’re all broken. I feel it every time I’m reminded I can’t do a thing to help us.
I do my best not to sink beneath the sadness. Making every attempt to push through and move forward, little by little and piece by piece. Pawns and rooks and knights making moves to manage the board. Where there is ‘opportunity,’ energy, and a tinge of wellness, I seek life, I seek beauty, and I seek moments.
Sunrise at the beach. A childlike curiosity – stopping to appreciate all that God has put before me. I am drawn to the routine and patterns of nature. Pelicans flying in groups of well-trained dive-bombing fisherman – a fascinating spectacle of glorious wonder. Seagulls communing in the sun by the dozens. Sanderlings making a game of chasing sand fleas and running from the waves – a sweet choreography of near perfection. The sweet simpleness of waves and tiny birds ebbing and flowing in a wondrous rhythm. I am hypnotized by these moments.
I seek refuge in small-town charm and beach vibes. Slow walks, small shops, and flip-flops. Cafes and bakeries for all to seek. Surf shops, thrift shops, and a magical flea market. These are a just few of my favorite things; an obvious reflection of my childhood. An immersive gift of moments, long past but never forgotten. I seek refuge here.
I seek comfort in homemade crab omelets and gluten-free pastries, but most of all I seek connection. I seek small talk and sweet laughter – shared moments with strangers in tiny shops. Moments of joy, enhanced exponentially when shared with those I love.
In these moments, I see God shining back in the eyes of another, ringing triumphantly in the beauty that surrounds, and smiling back in curious wonder as we pass on the sidewalk. Here, in these moments, I know why I am, where I am when I am. Here, in these moments, the sadness is gone. Here in these moments, I know love, without distraction – just true and simple love.
Photo by ME