Pessimism has always been easy for me, a normal part of life for as long as I can remember. A childhood painted with hues of distrust and disappointment. A life of overwhelming chaos and destruction. A life which simply seemed easier if I never expected anything. Expecting nothing allowed for moments of happy surprise – golden moments of peace. I considered myself a realist. Subscribing to the idea that life is always dark and difficult, and people will always disappoint and abandon. Trust no one! A belief system – taught and reinforced. Cemented by a lifetime of awkward and broken relationships.
As I sit here alone in my sanctuary, I wonder how long it will take to unlearn old patterns. How do you rewire or rewrite 40 years of programming? Can you? Will it take another 40 years? How do you convince your mind that you will survive, regardless of how people make you feel? How do you stop catching the energy of the world? How do you stop depending on the needs of others to satisfy your need for purpose? How do you stop feeling like a failure?
How long to understand that you’ve accomplished more (personally) in the past year, and even more so the past three, then you have in a lifetime?