Diary of Pain Pt. 1

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November 13, 2017 – A writing session

I’m clearly avoiding and I’m sitting here listening to Christmas music – Dean Martin to be specific. I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish by choosing Christmas music, but I’ve been through every other playlist on my Pandora app…. Something must inspire me. At the very least a smile and a giggle (check and check). I’m trying so hard not to read and edit as I go; I need to focus; what am I avoiding? Seriously cannot listen to this right now. My mind is confused.

There it is – my mind is confused.

I’m having the hardest time with this prompt (30,000 feet view). Seriously, I have changed my playlist more than a half a dozen times. I’m currently sitting here listening to “Happy,” only recently transitioned from Frank Sinatra’s Christmas. I’m determined to find my vibe and get this done. You would think I had no ideas – quite the opposite – I probably have too many. I don’t know where to start or where to traverse to once I get started. It’s the time of night… day. I try not to commit to much “Adulting” after a certain hour of the day, especially the evening hours.

Truth is, this isn’t something I had to think about five years ago. I don’t remember thinking much about myself at all. My thoughts were consumed with work, school, my family, raising my son, being a good daughter, and people pleasing in general. Now… now my thoughts are consumed with it all – all that I had, who I thought I was and who I am in this moment. In this moment, I am the girl who wishes she had lived bigger, taken more chances. Chased her dreams! I thought I had more time – you always think you have all the time in the world. I think this prompt scares the shit out of me! I’ve been rolling it around in my head all day long. I have no shortage of ideas, directions, but every single one of them bring me back to the fact that I have spent the better part of my life looking at it from the outside in. As if this life couldn’t be my own.

December 13-14, 2017 – Stream of Consciousness

(13th) In and out of consciousness. Chasing the illusion of balance while fleeing the delusional need for control. The need runs deep – a river of constant pain and sorrow. Never-ending and overwhelming.

Honestly, I’m exhausted! I sit here bouncing from playlist to playlist; desperate to put a soundtrack to my feelings. Unable to nail down the genre of the ever-flowing nightmare of my mind. My memories. My monthly flow; beating me down every ten days or so. Eight years of symptoms, and now this.

(14th) Let’s talk about the fact that I’m sitting in fuzzy cupcake pajama pants, while waiting for my son at the orthodontist’s office. Let’s discuss how I couldn’t care less what other people think. How as much as I’d like to care, I just don’t. Exhausted by lack of sleep, brought on by continual stress and perpetual change. Let’s talk about menopause and three periods in one month. An unending attack of hormones, rage, and rouge. Or we could peruse the hidden corridors of pain along my spine. The subtle grumble of what used to be; playing hide and seek among the rubble. A constant fog of confusion and “what if,” competing for a place of priority in my mind. Sure, let’s talk about what used to be or we could not!

What used to be, is an illusion – a smoke screen of half-truths and white lies. We romanticize and polarize. Perception, deceptively distorted by time and space. Let’s talk about how I used to bury it all; cautious not to step on toes.

 

….. to be continued

 

The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1) 

 

 

 

 

Photo by Jan Kahánek

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