Okay, I’m officially middle aged. I always imagined it would come at 50, which is just silly, considering I’m unlikely to live to 100. My reasoning? Today marks three months of sleeping an average of four hours a night. It’s not as if I’m unappreciative of the time, but I am no need for more awake time. What I need is more sleep, if not for any other reason than to allow my body to heal properly. There is a reason for everything, and sleep serves many a purpose. The most important, the allowance for mind and body to heal and reset. I learned a few years ago how important sleep is, especially the right amount at the right time.
I retire to bed between 9-10 p.m. (beginning of prime healing hours), in hopes of sleeping through the night. Sadly, I’m wide awake within four hours. I try to stay in bed, I try to dig in and refuse the urge to bounce, but my body does not allow it. The word atrophy has been flashing in my mind lately. A word whose definition eluded me until a quick Google search this morning. I swear I think God speaks to me through words. When I stay in bed for more than five hours, my body feels like it’s locking up and caving into itself. These days, I feel worse when I stay in bed. So once again, here I sit trying to make the best of it. But I’m not complaining.
The early morning hours are an amazing time to be awake. When I was able to walk five miles at the butt crack of dawn, I loved walking in the shadowy thickness of the predawn hours. It gave me great joy to accomplish something for myself, while the rest of the ‘world’ slept. The energy afforded me during these walks carried me for hours. Now I sit here grateful for this moment. I can feel God sourcing my movements and my choices. For instance, I never open my curtains before sunrise. Lately, it’s felt creepy looking out into the darkness, but this morning something shifted. I sat at my desk to write and had an urge to slide the curtains to the right.
In the murky depths of the early morning hours, what sits before me? What has God gifted me at a moment when I so desperately want to be snuggled up in bed? A bright shining FULL MOON. I sit here fascinated by the details. Craters of gray encrusting the beauty and light of the promise. A reminder of glorious beginnings – ‘God made two great lights–the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.’ (Genesis 1:16)
Questions of Life
I laugh to myself as I think of our fascination with the question of life on other planets. I gaze lovingly at the beauty of illumination and wonder, and all I see is LIFE! The moon, the sun, the galaxies – LIFE! We’re all looking for answers – seeking life in the unknown recesses of existence. The answers are all around us – LIFE is in everything – Look for it.
How sad for most of us that we lose our childlike sense of wonder along our path of growth. A wonder that is not lost until it is either stolen or given away. I couldn’t possibly pinpoint the moment I orphaned my inner child, but I’m certain I could get close. There’s no point though. Why do I care when? Why, is no longer a concern – I know why. The truth is, I found her, the precocious little girl who thought she had to shoulder the world. I found her tucked away in the darkness.
Sitting alone and afraid, eyes of hazel holding back tears – ‘I will not cry’ she says through clenched teeth. Her beautiful blonde curls in disarray – ‘When was the last time she slept? I ask myself. ‘When was the last time she saw the sun, the moon, the stars?’ Questions hammering away at my subconscious as I try to evaluate the situation. I found her sitting there, where I left her – where I forgot her. An orphan, abandoned, hidden away for her own good. I found her shivering and afraid, a ball of fear and shame, desperate to know what she had done wrong. I couldn’t tell her, I couldn’t explain it. There were no words, or maybe there were too many, but not one fell from my lips.
I reached out my hand, I looked deep into the watery eyes of my precious child, and whispered I’ve got you. All that should have been said, all that was locked away, expressed in a moment. A touch. A glance. An understanding. I didn’t mean to hurt you. She’s with me now, always. Our fear and shame fading with each new day. Purpose and exploration stripping us of the grimy untruth of the past. God gifting us with a second chance at childhood, a re-ignition of awe and wonder. An awareness of honest love, compassion, and imagination. We spend our days together, me and little ‘Brey. (That’s what I call her now – a loving nickname of our own choosing, not one given by another)
Whether indoors our out, we make the most of our days. Making the best of every ounce of energy provided by the Lord above. We’ve done Improv (and will continue to do so). We crush our comfort zones. The beach is our sanctuary! We’re counting the days – Spring cannot get here fast enough. Predawn drives, ocean waves, and sunrise – this is our gift. An unquestionable necessity. We stop and smell the roses now. We revel in the opportunity to bathe in the beauty of life. We try to live in the moment, whatever that may look like. We see the awe and wonder of the life set before us, set before all of us. Life is everywhere… in everything and everybody.
Look for it. Allow for it. Accept it.
Life is LOVE…
Love is LIFE…
Photo by Jake Hills