I’ve had the most interesting morning. A morning of growth and understanding I believe. This is day three of me “living on purpose.” I’ve climbed this mountain numerous times and here I am once again. Staring up from the valley I slid into recently – very recently. It’s amazing how swiftly the mind shifts. I could be having the best week in terms of total wellness and positivity and swoosh – I am thrown into the caverns. Left to dwell in the aftermath of one life event or another –usually multiple. My mind simply disconnects from anything that resembles proper emotions.
Swinging from numb to overwhelmed – crying at every turn. Suffocating under the weight of the world and my own empathy.
Luckily (or not), I’m well trained to navigate such seasons – I’ve watched my Mom struggle in the waters of pain and depression most of my life. I know the signs. I am aware of the pitfalls. Though I may allow myself to wallow from time to time, the way I am wired, does not allow me to sit idle too long. Especially after five years of hell and two years of hard learning and growing. This is NOT the time to sit still and let the enemy take over.
Because that’s what happens you know? You wallow. You plant yourself. You marry the darkness you so badly want to be rid of – kicking the door wide open for the enemy.
This knowledge knocks me off the cliff of pity and shame every time! The perfectionist in me – the inner critic – starts pointing out how pathetic I am. Showing me examples in my life of other’s “we” have deemed pathetic for choosing to drown in their own pain. Saying “is this how you want to live your life?” “Is this who you want to be?” I loathe my inner critic but in these moments, however degrading, the push helps.
I step back and evaluate what the situation – owning my part. Understanding what I allowed and accepting what I had no control over. From there, I move forward and live as purposefully as possible.
This morning I woke up as I always do, showered, took my dogs out, fed them, and headed up to my office. After dealing with a few grown up tasks, I sat down to pray. I wish I could say I consistently pray like this – all alone, humbled before God, but I don’t. Months ago, I tried to get my prayer game mastered but instead I turned it into a chore – something I had to do and do in a specific way. Clearly, that has not lasted. These last few mornings though, I just prayed – from my heart, no script, no agenda – just the Holy Spirit pouring out of me.
I say this because, midway through my prayer, I stumbled across a moment I had no idea I wanted to pray about. In the middle of my prayer, I started weeping and I knew… this is not me, this is the Holy Spirit speaking for me. Unreal!
These are the moments we should treasure – the moments of true understanding. The knowing you feel in the depth of your heart and soul – body and spirit. There is no denying that feeling. It’s overwhelming and it’s temporary but it’s beautiful!
“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” John 14:26
Photo by Annie Spratt