In May, I found myself once again hitting the reset button, following a tumultuous year of sharing space with my in-laws. After a gradual downward spiral spanning the better part of eleven months, I knew something had to be done. I should have done it sooner, but I was imprisoned by the negative energy of others. Stripping me of every ounce of faith, hope, and courage I had. Leaving me in a state of constant imbalance and confusion. The awful consequences of a situation I had created myself. I tried to fight it off, making every attempt to repair the situation. Never truly having control of anything – especially my home – my sanctuary.
I have always been someone who needs order, consistency, and stability. This clearly sources from my childhood. I like to say, “I find order in chaos,” and boy do I – it’s a must!
So, this happened, I forgot what I wanted to say (mid-type/thought). This, this is what terrifies me. How do I deal with the unknown? The unseen? This is why I MUST manage my time – use the early hours of the day to be productive. To be ME. To be a fraction of who I used to be. I say this, and people think I want to be who I was in terms of job or career or even belief and personality – this is not true! I want my mind and body back. Not the 20-something version but the 40-something version that I absolutely EARNED!!!
I fight, and I fight and still I find myself turning this corner once again – can I accept this? Accept that that it’s not going to get better – I will get weaker and weaker. Weakness, there’s a fun word. One that I without a doubt LOATHE! Just yesterday, I found myself speaking disdain, through clenched teeth, for my own weaknesses and pathetic neediness. There it is. Can you hear it? I don’t have to hear it – I can feel it – I live it. Outside of a job, I have never felt worthy – I have never measured up. Never been all people needed me to be and now I never will be.
This knowledge destroys me – I’m being completely honest.…. I’m not ready for this life. Five years in and I’m not ready – I’m not prepared. I don’t know how … I don’t know who to be. I’m trying. I’m really trying. I’m doing everything I can to fight the inevitable – refusing to give in. Yet I’m left with the underlying groan of exhaustion – an overwhelming sense of confusion. How did I get here?
“And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.” Luke 8:43-44
“And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.” Luke 8: 48
Photo by Ahmad Ossayli