I have a million beginnings bouncing around in my head – tens of millions of words to speak. Ideas to share. Thoughts. Dreams. Concerns. And yet, here I sit watching from the sidelines as my thoughts battle it out. Waging war on my peace of mind. My inner critic playing the part of referee beautifully. Why?
What’s holding me back? Fear? Confusion?
I think I’m afraid to write about the bad stuff. I mean really, truly share it all – all the dirty details of the darkness. The struggle. The fight! Every time I attempt to go in that direction, I find myself skirting the issue. Sharing tidbits of information but never committing to my story – stories. Eager to share my testimony, yet buried in fear that my testimony isn’t good enough – that I’m not good enough.
I’ve analyzed this cycle over and over and I’ve determined that my fear lies in my struggle not being “bad enough.” How insane! Clearly this comes from my childhood. “Someone always has it worse than you – suck it up!” “Don’t be a cry baby!” The list goes on and on. How sad that my age, I am still dictated or triggered by such thoughts. Don’t talk about your own experiences with sexual misconduct because people will say “well, that wasn’t that bad.” Or “It was your own fault.” Don’t talk about the chronic pain you live with everyday – people will say “she’s faking it.” “It’s not as bad as she says.” People will not understand.
This – this is my inner critic – my Mother – my Father – and every other person who made me believe, feelings make you inferior and weak. This is the voice of fear and shame, hiding away in the darkness, continually whispering my name. “Aubrey… you’re not good enough.” This is the force that gave me the strength to build walls and dig holes. This is the enemy who locked me away in a prison of my own making. This… this is the reason I hesitate.
Funny, I can speak to and about my inner critic – my dark passenger. I can elaborate and deliberate about the inner workings of the enemy in my head but I have not pushed past him. Not here. Not where I’d like to the most. Here, where I have always dreamed of being. Here, in a season where God has allowed me space to simply BE. To be who He meant for me to be! To embrace the gifts He bequeathed me. For some reason, in this space, I bow down to my enemy and I hide.
“Can a man hide himself in hiding places So I do not see him?” declares the LORD “Do I not fill the heavens and the earth?” declares the LORD. Jeremiah 23:24