So I’ve been trying to make a point of managing my time in an attempt to be more productive throughout my day. Truth is; this is not easy for me. Five years ago, I would have accomplished every single task on my “to-do” list, with loads of time to spare. Now, I am tasked with making the most of the early morning hours, as my mind and body seem to start shutting down around 1 PM. It’s not that I don’t have plenty of energy at this time but that my body and mind start feeding off of each other. Physical pain tricking my mind into thinking I’m in danger. My mind literally feeding into the pain and inflammation. Pumping out chemicals I have no control over.
So, I balance my day – every part of it! I cannot do anything for “too long” without starting the cycle of pain. All to say, since I was unable to write early this morning, my thoughts are now too scattered. So I ask myself, do I stick with my commitment to write everyday? In turn showing how my thoughts flow without much control? I swear, I get completely lost in my thoughts. It happens with my conversations as well. I’m continually “digressing.”
So here I am, once again, facing my fears and allowing myself to JUST BE ME!
Though I try not to think in terms of what “used to be.” I often find it difficult not to look back and compare. You see, these days, I am reminded daily that I must seek balance in everything that I do. Always teetering between too much and too little yet desperate for a “happy medium.” I have always had a very obsessive personality; always seeking perfection. If I’m going to do a thing, I’m going to do it well! Sadly, I have always avoided those things that made me uncomfortable; the things that could make me look like an epic failure.
Which means, for fear of failure, I have avoided A LOT! Especially over the past five years. Failure means a lot of things to me but the biggest is the fear of letting others down. Whether as a friend, family member, or servant of God; I feel tremendous guilt when I am unable to commit or follow through or worse say the wrong thing. I cannot stand to be seen as a disappointment in the eyes of others. As someone who cannot be depended on. Sadly, I was always the one you could depend on, to a fault. Then came the realization that I desperately needed to depend on others, whether I liked it or not. Again, finding balance in the need to love and be loved.
Gifts & Talents
I believe we should absolutely lean into our gifts and talents and chase our dreams and passions. I also believe, we cannot truly know what our gifts and talents are, if we don’t experience a little discomfort from time to time. The more I face my fears, I realize I need to face my fears on every level. I’ve never realized how much I avoid simply because I fear the feeling of discomfort involved in “adulting.” The more I think about it, the more I realize fear has had a place in my life for far too long.
Have you ever stopped for a moment to take stock of what is truly good and wonderful in your life? I spent five minutes this morning, doing exactly that, and I was a bit shocked to see that five minutes was not enough time to write. We so easily consume ourselves with the bad in this life – always looking throughout our lives for what is missing, rather than embracing what is already possessed.
We’ve become distracted by perfection, comparison, and fear.
For God gave us not a spirit of fearfulness; but of power and love and discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7