I have become acutely aware of myself these past two years – A Blessing? A Curse? Both?
In a moment of awareness, I have come to the realization that I spent my childhood both inwardly (most days) and outwardly living as an adult. Always assessing my environment, looking for danger, and reading – no CATCHING – people’s feelings. I learned very young to be a chess player in life. Looking in advance for the moves I could make, to keep everyone happy! The very process of anticipating what could go wrong is etched into my innermost being.
I kid you NOT!
I can sit in a room, trying to mind my own business and I can pick up on the majority of conversations around me (quietly participating in my head). I can also enter a room and read the atmosphere. immediately my mind will start assessing potential damage. Potential needs.
What do people need? What can I fix? What can I solve? What can I answer? How can I help? Who can I save? It truly goes on and on. In my youth, I saw this as a strength. It is when I have a constructive place to focus the energy. But when I don’t …. WATCH OUT!
But here is my realization – as much as I outwardly spend my time trying to “act” like an adult these days – living my life according to societal norms, out of fear of rejection – As each day passes, I inwardly feel more and more like a child. A child that desperately NEEDS to be set free.
I thought this was a bad thing. I’ve actually been trying to fight it. I’ve been sabotaging myself and punishing myself for not living up to some standard that was emblazoned in my soul years ago. A standard that I continually hold myself up to and forever fail at achieving. Because NO ONE can live up to my standards!
So… I embrace the little girl inside with awe and wonder.
My little girl has bouncy blonde curls, sparkly hazel eyes, and a crooked smile. She loves chocolate milk, hot wheel cars, listening to her 45’s (Neil Diamond and Journey), math, being outdoors, and talking to friends. She is more than who she was or what she has or will accomplish. She is a child who grew up far too fast and deserves to have her childhood back.
Here’s to new journeys and setting my inner child FREE!
This is ME!
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2