Do you ever feel odd or peculiar? Or like you just don’t fit? I do! Here’s the thing though; I don’t remember feeling this way when I was younger. That’s not to say I wasn’t odd or peculiar but either I was unaware or I simply did not care!
I’m inclined to believe the latter. In my youth, I was very proud to wear the label of “Independent-leader” – shouting from the rooftops how much I did not “need” anyone nor did I follow anyone. A reflection of the years of walls I had built around my heart. All of my relationships were surface level; even the one’s I thought weren’t. Even now, at 43 years of age, I equally CRAVE and FEAR anything deeper.
Maybe that’s because I spent most of my life avoiding …….
Truth is, I don’t really know who I am. I wasted my youth believing my worth was found in the eyes of others. I may have believed I needed no one but I was totally driven by other people’s need for me. As long as I could focus on other people’s problem’s, I could happily ignore mine. When life caught me off guard in 2013; everything I knew to be true was ripped away, exposing me to ……..
I know who I think I was and who I think I want to be; as for who I am
I’m ever evolving!
And learning to embrace my uniqueness – my peculiarity if you will.
My need for order (a place for everything and everything in it’s place) – My desperate need for routine (I’ll literally spin in circles without it) – My ever-processing mind.
Seriously, it (almost) never stops! I used to bury nearly every thought; now they dump out of my mouth like I’m vomiting rather than processing. Forgive me in advance.
But I digress!
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14